Not enough
by LAIsobel
Summary: After 3x11 I just couldn't stop thinking... so this little fic is the outcome! Turned into multichapter... angsty but so far it's planned to be Jeller friendly. NOTE - I hit a bit of a writer's block on Blindspot. But I DO plan on finishing this.
1. Gone

**A/N** – So after 3x11 I couldn't stop thinking about how everyone feels sorry for Jane and Kurt is suddenly the bad guy. And I had the feeling that it was so damn unfair to him... so this might be a little angsty but I am still Jeller fan so hopefully my muse will follow this direction.

I am leaving for my parents for a couple of days but after that (and after another episode which I won't get to see straight away...) I hope to finish Revelations – sorry for leaving that without an end!

Mistakes are mine. Anybody wants them? They're free! ;o)

* * *

 **Not enough**

Just when Roman disconnected the call Jane realized that he was right. She would never have the life she would want. She would never be at ease and without need to worry.

Before her mind could start making her even more miserable she noticed Avery watching her. So she nodded at her and quickly texted Kurt to tell him she'd just had Roman on the phone.

She got back to Avery as the nurses were leaving.

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm fine. Just tired. The doctor said they would keep me here for a day or two just to be sure but then I can go..."

"Have you thought about where...?" Jane asked worriedly.

"Not yet." Avery admitted.

And then came heavy silence. Both wanted to say something but didn't know where to start.

"What about Kurt, is he okay? And the other guy that was with you?"

"Yes, they are both fine." Jane said.

"I know you want to talk but can it wait? I am tired..." Avery told her and Jane nodded. "Of course. Can I stay?" She asked instead.

"If you want to..."

And so Avery went to sleep and Jane stayed in her room. She knew that as she was the FBI they won't kick her out. She checked her phone again and found texts from Patterson and Zapata. So she replied to them and watched over her daughter through the night – left alone with the steady beeping of the machines in the background to think about her life.

In the morning Kurt came and brought Jane a duffel bag. She didn't really know what to say to him at this moment.

"Hi..."

"Good morning."

"I just thought you could use some fresh clothes and such... so..." He said and handed her the duffel.

"Thank you." And she even smiled at him.

"How is she?"

"She's doing okay..."

"Good." And he paused. "Can you tell her I stopped by? I promised I would."

"Sure." She said and her voice trembled.

"Look, I, ehm, I talked to Reede and I thought this could help things." He said and gave her large brown envelope. She took it and before she had a chance to look into it he just smiled sadly at her which stopped her in her actions.

"Kurt?" She asked suddenly really worried.

"Goodbye, Jane." He said, leaned in and kissed her forehead softly.

She closed her eyes, sighed and before she could realize what was going on, he was gone. And after a really long time it made her feel sad and worried.

Jane went to Avery and noticed the young woman awake. She smiled at her and they began with small talk.

"Jane, what's in the envelope?"

"Oh, I don't really know." Jane realized and sat down to open it. What she found inside made her breathing stop for a moment. She needed to take a deep breath.

"It's an agreement. If we both sign it you can be told about ... things." And she couldn't believe it. Kurt arranged it so she could openly talk to Avery – if they both sign the whole 'top secret' bunch of papers.

"What things? Your past? About Roman?"

"It seems so. There is a note here for you." Jane said and handed Avery folded piece of paper. Avery took it. It was from Kurt. He was explaining to her that she might not believe Jane right now but that Roman was indeed the bad guy and that she should give her mother a chance to explain. And that this agreement could help. It had already been signed by Reede and himself. He wished her well.

Avery showed the note to Jane and noticed the painful look in Jane eyes. She didn't comment on it though. Before they could talk about it, the doctor came in.

"Morning, ladies."

"Good morning."

"So how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." Avery said. The doctor checked her vitals and what had been written in her folder and smiled at her.

"It seems you might be free to go tomorrow if you have someone to take care of you for a few days as you need to rest. We can talk about the rest later, if that's okay with you."

"Thank you." Avery said and smiled at him really happy she wouldn't have to stay in the hospital for long.

When the doctor left there was a thick silence in the room. After couple of very uncomfortable minutes Jane finally asked her.

"Do you want to stay with me? So you wouldn't have to be here."

"I don't know..."

"I promise not to push you into anything. We can talk and we don't have to. It's all up to you. I just..."

"You what?" Avery asked, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"I just hope I could get to know you a little, if you let me." Jane admitted. She couldn't understand why she felt this sense of protectiveness so suddenly and what was happening inside her but she was also worried about Roman pulling some stunt on them. Then she remembered something else.

"Or I have friends you can stay with. I work with them in the F.B.I." And she told her about Patterson and Zapata.

"They're actually very eager to meet you... and they both offered you could crash with them if needed."

"If needed or if I didn't want to be with you?"

"Both." Jane admitted honestly and Avery nodded. She could appreciate it.

"I can stay with you, if Kurt doesn't mind." She just really didn't want to go to a hotel and she became quite curious about her mother and the whole story.

Jane didn't have the heart to tell her about their current situation. It was not something she felt comfortable talking about with Avery just yet. She didn't know how close the two of them were or how they felt about each other after everything. She didn't ask to be honest.

Plus she didn't know where they stood at all.

Jane and Avery agreed that Jane would leave to make sure the apartment was ready and to do some grocery shopping. Jane knew that after yesterday's call from Roman Kurt had asked about protection for Avery and soon she noticed two men sitting not far from the room. She nodded at them and they nodded back. So Avery had her detail presented.

Jane tried calling Kurt to ask him about the apartment – he had offered to let her stay there but she wasn't sure if the offer was still up now – when he knew about her and Clem. She couldn't reach him. And so she drove over to their place and found it empty. There was a note on the table.

"Jane, I took few days off. Apartment is all yours. Kurt."

And she couldn't quite explain it but her heart sank a bit just as she read it. Something in her screamed at her that this was not a good thing. He couldn't have known she would come over. So he just left it there in case...

She confirmed with Reede that Kurt had indeed asked for some time off and it made her sad. His goodbye this morning in the hospital suddenly seemed important. Like the last goodbye. Was he gone? And did she care?

Yesterday when the Paramedics at the airport were talking to Avery, getting her settled in the ambulance, she had her chance to say goodbye to Clem. He had told her before he would leave right after the plane landed.

"Take care of yourself, Jane." He said.

"Thank you, for everything."

"You're welcome..." And he hugged her, needing that little contact with her. He was honest with Kurt on the plane, he knew Jane had never stopped loving her husband – but he couldn't help but notice that Kurt had just about given up on them. But he cared about Jane and yeah, he would gladly step in if there was a chance for him to win her over, but... But. But he considered Jane a good friend and after seeing her with her husband he actually began to hope – for their sakes – that they would fix their marriage. He honestly didn't know how that would be possible though.

"You have my number..."

She nodded and thanked him again.

"Don't be a stranger." He told her, kissed her temple and left. Only then she noticed Kurt watching them. She didn't know what to say so she turned and walked over to the ambulance. Both Avery and the paramedic agreed on her tagging along with them.

Kurt didn't follow her.

And now he was gone. His things were still presented; the place looked still the same. So he was planning on coming back. Right?

She had to sit down, feeling empty somehow. Like she had told Clem before – one moment she felt everything and the other there was nothing. What was happening to her?

Jane decided not to analyze that in the moment. She needed to make sure their guest bedroom was ready – or to make it ready – and she indeed had some grocery shopping to do. When she checked the fridge it amazed her that Kurt had bought her vegan products even though she wasn't living there with him anymore.

Jane made a mental note to ask Avery about her preferences when it came down to eating and drinking habits. But she guessed pizza or take-out could save them if needed. Although she should probably try to have something healthy in stock as well.

She called Reede again and they agreed she could stay with Avery – but that she would be on phone in case some tattoo would get cracked.

Jane was woman on a mission. She stopped by at the hospital to check on Avery and ask her about the shopping, she also asked if she should by her some clothes as she didn't have anything but what she had been wearing the other day. She talked to Patterson and Zapata and they promised her helping hands so everything would be set.

The night came and Jane was ready to pick Avery from the hospital in the morning. She tried calling Kurt but it always came straight to voicemail. So he was not available. She didn't blame him.

She tried sleeping in their bed but soon realized she couldn't. They bought this bed together so it would be only theirs – not shared with another person before. It was a silly thing but it made her feel better given the circumstances back then. Now it was strange to be there without him.

She could sleep anywhere – as she had found out during her months on the run – but sleeping back home was something she couldn't accomplish. In the end she crashed on the couch to get at least couple of hours of sleep.

There was a storm inside her she couldn't quite describe.

The next day she brought Avery home and after talking to her called Tasha and Patterson to invite them for a girl's night. Plus there was a lot to talk about.

To their surprise they both came with lunch – it was quiet in the office so she could afford to leave for once. And this was important – because Avery could have heard something from Roman, something that could give them a clue or a hint. So they were basically working.

After small talk and finished their pizzas and Italian take-out they sat down in the living room. Jane and Avery gave Zapata the signed documents so she would take them back to the office.

"So, how do you want to do this?" Zapata asked Avery.

"We can tell you the story or you can ask questions... your call." Patterson added. Avery contemplated it for a moment and then exhaled loudly.

"Okay. Tell me the story and I will ask if there is something unclear." And they all looked at Jane.

"It starts with me crawling naked from a duffel bag in the Times Square covered in tattoos with Kurt's name on my back..." Jane started.

And in the next few hours they filled Avery in on the most important parts of the whole story. There were things they left out and she knew when not to ask. Mostly she let them talk and only when their story was different from what Roman had told her she would ask.

When she did it the first time Patterson stepped in.

"Well lucky we have proof, right?" She said and opened her laptop. She typed in something and a case file appeared. She pointed out the important parts to Avery under Jane and Zapata's supervision. And it had the desired effect. Avery began to believe them step by step.

She asked when something was unclear and sometimes she told them to 'skip to the interesting parts' which made them smile.

Patterson and Zapata noticed that Jane left Kurt out of the story – well their personal relationship. She also didn't tell Avery about how they used to treat her...

"I know you're not telling me everything. You're leaving out the personal stuff, aren't you?" Avery asked. Clever enough to notice.

"Yes. For now."

"Why?"

"You need to understand the whole scheme of things. We can talk about the other part later."

"What is it you're not telling me?" Avery asked not ready to back down. She looked at Jane, then at Jane's friends and it was clear where this conversation was heading.

"What if we leave you two alone for this?" Patterson suggested. She looked at Jane and then at Avery. "If you want to, call us. We can talk later. With or without Jane." And after seeing her nod, she wished her a nice evening and along with Zapata they left them alone.

Jane walked them out, thanked them and closed the door behind them. She knew that now she would have to face the inevitable.

"Jane?"

"So, ask me." Jane offered. She didn't know where to start so she felt it would be best to leave it to Avery.

"Where is Kurt? Why isn't he here? I thought you guys are married. And you're not wearing your ring. Why? What happened? And what is you left out about the story? You said Oscar made you follow his orders by threatening you. But with what? What happened?"

And Jane sighed. She should have known better than to leave her the option of asking. Avery was not at all shy, she wasn't afraid to ask. She was bright and smart – as her question had proved.

Jane wasn't ready to face the consequences of answering these questions yet but she knew that if she wanted to start fresh with her daughter this was her only chance. So she took a deep breath and sat down opposite her so she could tell her the rest of the story. Her story – and Kurt's. She suddenly wished he'd be there with her to help her out.

But he wasn't there.

* * *

 **A/N** – so it seems it's turning into a multichapter fic... heh... I promise to try to finish it ASAP – it's all kinda in my head just waiting to be written down!


	2. Friends

"Okay, so let me get this straight. Roman manipulated me so he could hurt you?"

"Basically, yes." Jane answered, still not feeling at ease.

Avery had to think about it for a moment.

"And where is he now?"

"Roman? We don't know."

"No, Kurt. Where is Kurt now?" Avery asked and Jane didn't have answer for her. She stayed silent and Avery could see the pain written all over her face.

"What happened to him? He must have felt horrible thinking he had killed me. I can't even imagine how hard that had to be on him..."

And Jane suddenly snapped out of her state of mind and looked at her daughter with shock in her eyes.

"Horrible for him? He lied to me! He didn't tell me about you! He even let Roman blackmail him through this."

"You said you didn't even know about me back then."

"No, I didn't. But that's not an excuse. He should not have lied to me."

"Like you lied to him before?" Avery asked and to Jane's surprise Avery seemed very upset by this.

"That was different."

"How?"

"We're married now!" Jane almost yelled back at her but Avery stood her ground and looked at her with such fire in her eyes it made Jane wonder where it was coming from.

"And yet you walked out on him."

"To protect him."

"You didn't give him a chance to decide."

"No, he wanted to go with me but I didn't want him to lose his daughter." Jane said more softly now, voice thick with emotions.

"And you honestly thought he would just forget about you?! Do you know him at all?!"

"Avery!"

"No! Do you even listen to yourself? And who is Clem then huh? I saw the way he was looking at you. Did you cheat on Kurt with him?"

"I didn't cheat."

"You said it yourself. You're married." Avery said and Jane was left speechless. "Or are you not, huh? Where's your ring?"

It was more rhetorical question but Jane answered anyway – quick reflex.

"I gave it back after he confessed." She admitted and suddenly felt all the guilt weight her down.

"And this time he's not chasing you, huh? How does that feel?"

Jane looked at her and felt tears in her eyes, burning like acid.

"You don't deserve him, Jane." Avery said and walked away.

Jane heard the door of the guest bedroom being closed and finally sat down. She didn't even make it to the couch. She just sat down on the floor right there where she originally stood.

In couple of hours Avery walked back to the living room feeling bad for what she had said to her mother. She liked Kurt and this seemed very unfair to him. Those two obviously loved each other but God – they needed therapy!

She found Jane sitting on the floor by the wall, knees up, her forehead resting on them. She was there, silent, still. When she heard Avery she looked up at her and let her see the sorrow and pain on her face.

"Jane..."

"You're right."

"What?"

"You're right. I don't deserve him. He's a great guy."

"Great guy who loves you." Avery said, offering some comfort.

"Who used to love me." Jane corrected her.

"So you're giving up on your marriage? It's not for better or worse anymore?" Avery asked and Jane didn't have any words for her.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know..." Jane told her. She got up and walked to the bedroom. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep but she needed to disappear for a moment. And she didn't want to leave Avery alone. Besides – and it was very hard to admit that – she needed to feel Kurt around her.

Avery was worried about Jane so she did the only thing she could think of – she called Tasha. She explained things to her, told her that they had a huge fight and it all came down to Kurt and that Jane was in a bad shape... Tasha told her she would come over.

And true to her word she arrived in half an hour. Avery smiled at her.

"Hey."

"Hey... where is she?"

"She's in the bedroom."

"What happened?"

"We talked about Kurt... it got out of hand I guess."

Tasha looked at her with sympathy and nodded. She knew well how such talks could go.

"I'm sorry." Avery suddenly said.

"About what?"

"It's my fault. They're like this because of me." And she sounded genuinely sad.

"No, they're like this because of them." Tasha replied.

"If it wasn't for me..."

Tasha touched her shoulder and it made Avery look at her and gave her full attention.

"Roman manipulated you. You couldn't have known. Don't take the blame. Okay?"

And Avery nodded after a moment. She looked in the direction of the bedroom and Tasha smiled at her.

"I will talk to her." She offered and Avery was grateful. She indeed felt guilty.

"Thank you... She's lucky to have you as a friend."

"Yeah, well I suppose she didn't tell you how I shot her huh?"

"You shot her? Seriously?!" And she couldn't believe it.

"I was angry..." Tasha said like it was absolutely normal to do such things. Avery just grinned. She has just barely started to get to know these people and they were really a weird bunch but they seemed like she could really like them – in time. Agent Zapata seemed close to Jane so she couldn't process the information about the shooting. But she could understand that they had their past. And it was certainly interesting!

Zapata walked to the bedroom door and hesitated. It was a dangerous territory to enter. She didn't know what was waiting for her inside. Sad Jane? Broken Jane? Angry Jane? She wished she had brought some alcohol over... but on the other hand – some conversation better be held sober.

She knocked. And entered.

Jane was sitting on the ground by the bed, watching out of the window.

"Jane? It's me..." Zapata said from the door and when it seemed safe to enter she closed the door behind her and slowly sat down next to Jane.

"Is something wrong? Why are you here? Do we have a case?" Jane asked slowly coming back to her senses. Zapata knew that she was not herself – normally she would have been up and ready to go the moment she knocked on the door.

"Avery called. She was worried about you."

"She shouldn't have, sorry..."

"Jane, it's okay. She thought you could use a friend... so here I am." And she wished she was better in this whole talking about feelings area. It was not her cup of tea!

They were both silent for a few minutes before Jane spoke up.

"I don't know what to do, Tasha."

"What are your options?" She asked trying to let her decide on her own, just giving her a little push. But Jane was silent.

"Jane? What is going on?" Tasha asked instead hoping Jane would finally give her something. She didn't really know what else to do. She was so not good at this!

Jane looked at her and started to talk.

"Avery... we talked about Kurt. And she's angry with me. I told her what happened..."

"Like everything?"

"Yes. Including the truth about Clem."

"Clem? The Clem that helped you get her back from Germany?"

"I slept with him." Jane said and by Zapata's shocked look she could say that this little piece of information was surprising.

"When?"

"After one K&R job it just happened..."

"And Kurt knows?"

"Yes, I told him."

"Oh damn..." Zapata said and suddenly understood why the conversation between Jane and Avery went down the road to... here. Damn indeed!

"Jane... do you love Clem?"

"What? No!" Jane turned to Zapata. "Tasha, no. I love Kurt. You know I do."

Tasha wanted to say something but was afraid she would hurt her friend even more. Knowing about her night spent with another man gave things new perspective. She knew Weller had taken some time off but from this it seemed it might be even more serious.

"Say something."

"What do you want me to say, Jane?"

"Be honest." Jane said and Tasha after a moment took a deep breath.

"Maybe he's not so sure about you anymore. I know why you did what you did... but from his point of view? You left him and your life, your marriage and got involved with somebody else." She paused... "Jane, you were not planning on coming back from Kathamndu, were you?"

Jane felt like crying again and didn't like that one bit.

"I was, at first. I really wanted to. The bounty on my head was still on though... And then I thought he... he had probably moved on."

"Kurt? You're kidding right?" Zapata was in disbelief. "He kept wearing his ring. Hell he kept your ring!"

"I know! Okay? I know... But he lied to me."

"I know he did. To protect you. Doesn't that sound familiar?" Tasha asked carefully knowing she was walking on a veeery thin ice right now.

Jane looked at her and after a minute she closed her eyes and to Tasha's surprise she let few silent tears fall down her face. She took her hand and offered at least some comfort.

This situation was a mess.

Tasha hoped that her friends could fix their marriage. She had seen them both vulnerable at their most darkest hours, she watched them dance around each other, she was there with them when they were breaking each other's hearts and she was on the comms when Kurt proclaimed his love for Jane absolutely not caring about being on the comms. It was sweet. And when Jane came to his apartment Tasha just knew that these two would overcome everything.

But what was left of their marriage now?

Knock on the door disturbed them. They both looked up to see Avery standing there.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I didn't mean to..."

"No, it's okay. You were right." And Jane reached for Avery. She sat down to them on the floor.

"I was?"

"Yes, you were."

"So, what now?" Avery asked.

"Well she should probably get up and go get her man and bring him home." Tasha offered a solution.

Jane looked very unsure though.

"What if..."

"No, no what-if-s Jane. Just go and do whatever it takes to fix your marriage."

"I don't even know where he is."

"You're the FBI, figure it out." Zapata teased her and to her relief Jane finally smiled at her. Yes! Mission accomplished.

It actually took Jane only few seconds. The only place where Kurt would find some peace would be with his daughter. So she had some packing to do.

Everything was messed up. But she realized that her daughter had indeed been right. She wasn't fair to him. She had hurt him. She had betrayed him. She had lied to him... It seemed their marriage didn't have as solid foundations as they wanted to believe. But she did love him and she could only hope he would at least agree to talk to her.

She wasn't sure what she should say to him but she knew she had to be the one to come and knock on the door wearing her heart on her sleeve. Or what has been left of it.

Tasha called Patterson and Jane called Reade and they had everything settled. Avery would stay with Patterson and Jane would take the first flight to Colorado she could.

She was afraid that it was already too late. She couldn't find her ring at the apartment and she doubted Kurt had taken it along this time. Was it really over? Did she really screw up so much? Did she hurt him that much? Was it all beyond repair? She hated feeling so insecure and vulnerable. But she has just started to realize that it was all she deserved.

Her actions had hurt people she loved and Kurt most of all. She should have listened to him and never leave him in the first place. They could have found out everything about the bounty on her head together and go home... and then her body probably wouldn't end up with the new set of tattoos. And her marriage wouldn't be torn apart.

There was no point in thinking about that. She made her decision and Kurt made his. And it turned out that perhaps the love they felt was not enough to keep them together.

Jane closed the door behind her and with her small bag over her shoulder she set for the airport. She had a plane to catch. She had husband to find. And she had no idea where to start with explaining and apologizing. Would it be enough? Or was it too late? She needed answers.

And deep down in her heart she knew she just needed to see him.

* * *

 **A/N** \- totally unsure about writing such conversations! Suggestions to improve? Thanks!


	3. Talk

**A/N** – I'm leaving tomorrow so no promises about the next chapter. Might be up in a week – so it will collide with the new ep, sorry for that. I seriously hoped to have this done before 3x12.

Thanks for reviews, I apologize for not replying - I read them all and I appreciate them all. Once there is time to spare I will reply! THANK YOU ALL!

* * *

Jane made it to Colorado and it was still early in the afternoon so she could go and talk to Kurt right away. He had sold their house to get money he needed when he was trying to locate her. So she wasn't sure where to look for him. But she was sure Allison would know so she went straight to their house. She was so nervous but she was woman on a mission – and not about to give up.

She knocked and rang the bell.

And Allison opened the door apparently shocked to see her there. She smiled though.

"Jane..."

"Hey, Allie..." Jane said and with a deep breath and shaky hands she continued. "Is Kurt here?" And Allie didn't answer. She looked behind her and then stepped outside and closed the door behind her.

"Yes. Why are you here?"

"I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. Please can you tell him it's me?" She pleaded.

"Jane what happened?"

"It's complicated."

"Yeah, I figured that much. He wouldn't really talk about it but the last time I saw him like this was when you left in the middle of the night. And Jane, I don't ever want to see him like that again. It's killing me." And Jane could hear the clear warning there.

"I'm not here to hurt him more. I promise. I just want to talk." Jane said and Allie after few long agonizing moments exhaled.

"Okay, I'm gonna tell him you're here."

"Thank you." And she meant it. Allie wanted to turn around but then spun back and hugged Jane quickly.

"I don't know what happened but fix it, okay? I missed you." Allied said hurriedly and then left to the house.

Jane smiled and felt even more guilty than before. She really screwed up royally. In a minute Kurt opened the door and Jane couldn't read him at all. He managed to put his walls up again and she felt her heart break. This would be even more difficult than she had originally thought.

"Hi..." She said and hoped for something from him.

"What do you want, Jane?" He asked. And there was nothing in his tone to give away his intentions or feelings. He was in the tough FBI Agent mode right then and it was very painful to realize that he would need this kind of protection – from her.

"I'd like to talk."

"Sorry..." He said but made no move to leave her standing there.

"Just hear me out, okay? And then you can tell me to go away and I will." She offered hoping he would give her that. And it took him some time to nod and say okay.

Allie just came out with Bethany to play in the garden.

"The house gets swept for bugs, it's safe to talk there..." She offered as an explanation and Jane appreciated it. She knew Allie had been briefed on the tattoo cases and the whole story after her involvement on few of their cases.

"Thank you." She replied and waited for Kurt to let her come inside. Which he did eventually. He closed the door and hoped he was not making the biggest mistake of his life. Well, another one.

They made it to the living room and Kurt didn't sit down. Jane walked to him but stopped few steps before reaching him. She didn't want to push him.

"So... talk." He said and it hurt.

"Okay... first of all I want to thank you about Avery. It means a lot."

"I did it for her, not for you." He explained and she could accept that. And after a moment of hesitation she continued.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" He almost snapped back at her.

"For everything I did wrong."

"Do you even know what are you talking about?" Kurt asked. He felt his emotions rising and knew that this won't be a smooth quiet conversation.

"I messed it up." Jane replied.

"You did."

"I'm sorry."

"So you've said. Is that all?" He shot back clearly annoyed.

"No."

"So?" He dared her.

"Will you stop with this?" She asked instead. This is not what she had imagined.

"With what?"

"Acting like this!"

"No! You came here to tell me you're sorry. Okay. Fine. Thank you for telling me. And you think that's it?" And his voice gave away the depth of his anguish.

"No, of course not. Kurt, I didn't mean to hurt you. And..."

"Stop, Jane."

"What? Why?"

"Just stop... let's make this clear. You left me. You left your ring at home and you left in the middle of the night. You walked away from our marriage. And you thought it wouldn't hurt me?"

"I wanted to protect you and Beth." She said more sad than angry. She was losing him.

"Maybe at first."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You left because of the bounty. I hated it but I could understand it. It was a stupid thing to do but okay. I could forgive you that because of the good intention. Although I thought we were way past that..." And he ran his hands through his hair.

"But when I found you in Kathamndu you were not trying to clear the bounty. You had a new happy life. Without me."

"Kurt..."

"No. You left. You gave the ring back and left. And found a new life you liked so much that you wouldn't come back home. What was it, huh? The adrenalin? Excitement?"

"I already told you that I had to find myself outside the marriage." She tried arguing back but didn't have the same drive as he did. He was passionate – hurting. She was just clinging to last threads of hope.

"You could have done that at home. You could have come and talk to me. You could have said something..."

"I didn't even realize it back then."

"You could have come home once you did. Once it was not about the bounty anymore." And he sounded exhausted by everything. He had to be thinking about this a lot.

"I'm sorry I didn't. But I missed you every single day, Kurt."

"Yeah, so much you slept with somebody else." He said and absolutely drained sat down onto the couch. Jane had tears in her eyes. So it was over. He was done with her.

"I shouldn't have. And I'm sorry. I really am."

"I don't understand it, Jane. I don't get it."

"I thought I would never see you again. I was afraid you have already moved on." She said sitting opposite him.

"Don't you know me at all?" And he looked at her finding her looking right back at him. So their eyes locked and all was out in the open for the other to see.

"You honestly thought I would just forget everything and move on? Christ Jane you can't be serious..."

"I was wrong..." She acknowledged openly crying by then.

"I could forgive you for leaving the first time. It hurt. But I could forgive you and when you put the ring back on I thought we were good." And he leaned back. "I should have told you about Avery, I know. And I am sorry I didn't. But you had your secrets as well and if it wasn't for Avery's call record you would have never told me about Clem. I'm such an idiot!"

And he closed his eyes. Jane was desperate because she could see that the damage she had done was beyond control. And beyond repair.

"You decided to try to find her. And instead of telling me you called him." And that was the last thing he said in quite some time. Jane didn't know what to do. She got up and started to pace around the living room trying to find the right thing to say. She was coming up empty. But she knew that this was her last chance.

"Kurt?" She asked finally and waited for him to look at her. The sight made his gut clench – he hasn't seen her so distressed since telling her about Avery's death. And he caused that pain again. But this time he wasn't feeling that much guilty.

"Yes?"

"Is this over? Are we over?" She asked the question that had been burning her mind and soul.

"I don't know... I don't know how to forgive you. I don't know how to trust you again... I'm not even sure I know you anymore..." He confessed and had to restrain himself from reaching for her and hugging her – as was his primal instinct telling him while seeing her that vulnerable.

"The Jane I know, the Jane I fell in love with would deal with the bounty and come back home. I was stupid enough to think she would actually stay and let me help her but that was a mistake I know... but the Jane I married would never cheat on me."

And he had to choke back his own tears. So that was it. He told her everything that had been running wild circles in his head. And it gave him strange satisfaction to see her openly hurting about it. And yet it was killing him. He indeed was an idiot.

"Can I do something? Kurt?" But he had no answer. "You don't love me anymore..." She stated and everything in her went numb. She was empty.

"I don't think I can ever stop loving you, Jane." And she looked at him with surprise in her eyes. "I'm just not sure it's enough."

"Kurt..."

"I can't do this anymore... I can't live with you afraid that you might put the ring on the counter and leave again... I don't have the energy anymore to wait for you to be honest with me... I've made my share of mistakes but..." And he didn't finish.

She came to him and sat down next to him knowing it was dangerous but needed his proximity.

"Can we start over?"

"How?"

"I love you, Kurt and I want to fix this. I really do." And the way she looked at him made him belief that she was being honest. It was strange but he believed her. She did love him. They were just terrible at being a couple it seemed.

"I don't know how, Jane." He said and to her surprise he reached out and took her hand in his. God he missed her.

"Will you think about it?" And her voice trembled with emotions.

"I think... I think I can do that, yes." He answered and without realizing it his thumb began to caress her hand.

"That's all I can ask now." She said and so they sat like that next to each other holding hands on the couch.

Both exhausted and worried, spent and absolutely shaken. They didn't know how much time passed when Allie came back home. Bethany reached for Kurt and he took her willingly. It made Jane stand up and wipe her eyes.

"Are you going back to New York?" Allie asked. Jane looked at Kurt and then back at her.

"I have a few days off... I was hoping to stay in town..." Jane replied. "If that's okay." She added and waited for Kurt to say something. It was his call.

"Where are you staying?" He asked instead.

"I actually don't know. I didn't think that far ahead." Jane admitted and Allie smiled at her. Why did these two have to hurt each other so much all over again and again?

"Come on, I'll show you a good place." Allie offered and Kurt nodded. Jane thanked her and with one last look at Kurt she followed her out of the door. She was trembling and she was scared. And she knew she had deserved it.

She was also ready to fight for her marriage. It was up to Kurt now. She still feared she had lost him forever. But when he said he loved her he was being honest – or so she hoped.

* * *

 **A/N** \- I thought about stopping here but it seems this story has life of its own! So there will be more. In time. I just can't let them be like this, it's breaking my heart!


	4. New beginnings

**A/N** – I am so so so sorry about the delay. Real life has been pretty busy and I couldn't make myself to write. I watched the 3x12 ep and what the hell? The end? Come on... I hope he won't just welcome her back just like that... after everything she has put him through... how come he never points that out?

I know some of you wrote stories along the similar lines as this one – so hopefully it will match the equals! There are still few chapters to go here and I doubt it will be finished before 3x13. Sorry...

* * *

Allie walked with Jane, there was a little Inn about 15 minutes away from the house. She knew the owner, it was very nice old lady who could cook like nobody else. She called her and made sure she had room available – which she had. So she took Jane there.

The beginning of their walk was silent but then Jane stopped and looked at her friend.

"If you have any questions..."

"No, Jane, I shouldn't. It's your private business."

"You're family. So if you want to ask something, then do it." Jane offered and Allison knew it was a big step for her. They resumed their walk and after a minute she gathered up the courage to speak up.

"Look, Jane, I know that you left to protect him and to protect Beth. And I know how much it cost you. Leaving him and your life. I just wish you..."

"What? That I should have trusted him to help me out and stay here and..."

"Yes. Exactly. I don't know how come you haven't realized yet but you two are invincible when you're together. Separation kills you both."

Jane didn't know how to respond to that. They kept on walking and Jane decided to open up. And so she told her about what happened between them. And this time there was no blame from her part to put on Kurt. This time she knew they were equally in the mess they've created. She told Allison the facts.

"... and so now it's up to him." She finished and Allie was taken aback a bit.

"You're stupid. Both of you." She said and Jane chuckled at that. What a summary of their situation.

"Yeah, it seems so. But I love him, Allison. I really do. I always have." Jane said and her voice trembled.

"I know. I knew it since the first moment I saw you two together by that elevator." She confessed and it took Jane by surprise.

"You know, he has never – not even once – looked at me the way he was looking at you back then. And when he talked about you... he loved you even then but didn't realize it."

"Allie..." Jane was about to object.

"I never thanked you." Allison stepped in.

"What for?"

"For saving my life..."

"You don't have to." Jane answered.

"It had to be killing you. I know how they treated you, he told me. I know how hard it was on you because I could see that. And then you found out I was pregnant and it HAD to be killing you. And yet you risked your life to save mine. And the baby." And the deep emotion in her voice told Jane that it was important to talk about this.

"We never talked about it and I am sorry. I should have thanked you and apologized a long ago." She added and Jane suddenly stopped and looked at her.

"You're welcome." Jane said and Allie smiled at her. "I would do anything..."

"I know."

"You know, that day... he trusted me to keep you safe. I couldn't break that trust."

"And you think your life didn't matter." Allie added and Jane nodded. No point in lying there.

"Well, it does. And you have to promise me to keep that in mind."

"Okay..." Jane answered.

"Now, you have a long road ahead if you want to fix your marriage as we both know Kurt is very stubborn."

"He's behind his walls again." Jane said and Allie knew she was right.

"You found your way how to take them down before. You will again."

"If he lets me."

"Jane, he loves you."

"But I hurt him badly."

"So help him heal and let him help you heal. Stop hiding from each other, marriage doesn't work that way."

"I know... I really hope we can start over."

"Me too."

And as they reached their destination Allie showed her in and introduced her to Maggie.

Back home she found Kurt watching over their sleeping daughter. She came to him and put her hand onto his shoulder to let him know she was there with him. She knew him well enough to know she just had to wait for him to open up to her. If he was ready for it.

Kurt looked at her and she was surprised to see the tears in his eyes. She could count the times she had seen him cry on the fingers of her hands.

"Kurt?"

"I love her, Allie." He said softly.

"I know you do."

"I don't know what to do. It's tearing me apart."

"So, are you giving up?" She asked him and watched him think about the answer to that.

"No."

"Good."

"Did she tell you anything?"

"Well, everything I guess... are you okay with that?"

"By everything do you mean everything?"

"Well she told me about the bounty, Roman's involvement, you and Avery, about Clem..." She stated just the few important topics. It surprised him.

"She loves you."

"Is that enough?" And he sounded so small that it hurt her.

"It's a start." She said and left him there with their daughter.

The next morning Kurt went for a walk with Bethany in the stroller and after being awake whole night he needed coffee. And there was one place where they made the best coffee in the area. And yes, he knew it was close to the place where Jane was staying and it was part of the reason why he had decided to go there in particular.

Their talk yesterday – both with her and with Allison – made him think and come to terms with his feelings, thoughts, wishes and wants – and needs. He had to come up with a plan and he had to sort it all out to know what to do.

Jane had a sleepless night as well but for the first time in days, well maybe weeks, she didn't feel all numb and empty. When she came here she was scared and didn't know what to do. But after talking to Kurt she actually felt some sense of peace. He stopped guarding his heart and let her see the raw pain at least for a moment and it helped her to understand.

She went out for a walk in the morning and she walked around the areas they used to walk through when they lived there. She felt the loss of her old life but she knew that all the steps leading them here were important.

Jane stopped in a park and sat down on one bench. It was the bench where they stopped on their walk through the park the first evening they spent in Colorado, it was the day they arrived with the truck full of things, when they were ready to make a home there. And they took a walk, holding hands, they stopped there, sat down and she could still remember how he hugged her close to his side to keep her from the chilly evening breeze and how he smiled and how they kissed. A lot has changed since then.

And with that sad dreamy look she was found by Kurt. He walked there only partially hoping to find her there in the park. Of course he remembered the bench as well. Bethany was asleep, she had a rough night – teething can do that.

"Good morning." He said and watched her take a breath and open her eyes. She smiled at him.

"Hey... taking a walk?"

"Yeah..." And as she didn't say anything else he continued.

"I was about to get some coffee, do you want to join me?" And after a moment of uncertainty she smiled at him and said yes. And so they walked together to the shop, he was telling her about Beth and they kept the conversation light.

And both were surprised that it wasn't strained or weird between them.

With the coffees in hand they resumed walking and after some time Kurt knew that he should probably tell her what he had on his mind.

"Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to fix it." He said and she stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him.

"You mean us?"

"Yes. I want to make this work."

"Me too."

"But we can't just pretend everything's okay because it isn't."

"I agree. So, do you have a plan?" She asked and was proud of herself to keep the tears at bay.

"As you said. We start over. From the beginning."

"How?"

"I think... I think we need to learn how to trust each other again. So we have a lot to talk about. And no holding back this time."

"No hiding behind walls and no lying to protect each other." She supplied and he nodded.

"Yeah, exactly. We need to be honest with each other."

"Okay. That sounds good."

"Jane... it won't be easy."

"I know. We both made mistakes and we're both hurting right now." She said and he couldn't agree more.

"Kurt, do you want me to leave the FBI for now?"

"Oh, well, no I don't think so." He said and had to think about it for a moment. "I trust you to have my back in the field. You've always had my back even when I was a bastard to you and you should have probably shot me yourself." He said and she had to bite her lip as there was a small smile threatening to show up.

"So we continue to do our job. As before."

"Yes. We try to keep the personal stuff outside the office. No arguing about things that have nothing to do with cases."

"That sounds good. And if it can't be avoided?"

"I don't know. I guess we deal with that once the situation arises."

"All right... and outside the office?"

"I need to get to know you again, Jane. I want to get to know you. You're a different person now." He said and she could tell it was tearing his heart apart.

"Kurt... I want to get to know you as well. We start over. We can meet for walks or coffees, like friends in the beginning..."

"And it might turn into dating..." Kurt added.

"It might..." She said and it gave her hope.

"Okay." He confirmed and they resumed walking.

"Jane there is one thing..."

"Name it."

"If we're doing this I need you to promise me that you won't run away. Not ever again. And I mean it."

"I promise." She said and she meant it. "I'm done with that. I want to build a new life. With you. No matter where. But with you. I'm done being lonely and alone." Jane added and he smiled at her sadly.

"Kurt can I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"My ring. Did you keep it or is it gone?" And she sounded as scared as she felt.

"I kept it. It's in the safe in the apartment." He said.

"Okay. Let's keep it there."

"You're okay with that?"

"Yes. I mean I want it back on my finger but when the time is right. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I think I do." Kurt replied and although in the beginning he didn't like the topic at all – now it made sense.

"And if you want to take yours off and put it there as well..." She offered and he had to admit she had a point. They were starting over.

"I don't know Jane."

"I just don't want you to feel uneven." She said. "I know how you feel about me but after everything I would understand if you would want to wait for the right moment to make the decision about spending the rest of your life with me."

And he hated himself for being that weak – he couldn't take the ring off, could he? It was the biggest possible commitment for him, the ring was a symbol and he was not comfortable without it. But there was something about what Jane had said that made him consider it. But then another thought came to him and Jane could sense the moment it happened as he suddenly stood still with jaw firmly set and there was something cold and icy in his eyes.

"Are you saying this because you don't want to be married?"

"What? No." She answered. "Kurt? Honesty, remember? So what are you asking me?"

And he took a deep breath. Here they were...

"Is Clem still in the picture?" He asked and could slap himself because he could see plain and open how that hurt her. She looked at him sadly and this time she had tears in eyes.

"I guess I deserved that question... No, he is not around. I haven't seen him since we brought back Avery from Germany."

"Are you two in touch?"

"No, we're not. Although I do have his number should we need his expertise again. But that's all. I'm not involved with him. There is nothing going on. I promise." She said and he nodded.

"Jane I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you but it just..."

"I understand. And I am glad you told me. That's good, right?"

"Yeah, I think it is..." And although he knew it was a bad idea, he reached for her and hugged her. She melted into his arms.

They continued their walk then, she told him about Avery and how her unofficial interrogation went and how she was holding up, she told him about Zapata and Patterson and their help... and so they talked and it was nice and comfortable.

"So, we're doing this, right?" He asked her.

"Yes, we are." She said as they reached Allison's house.

"I think I should go back to New York." Jane informed him.

"I'll see you at work then." Kurt replied. "And we're gonna grab coffee together." He added and she smiled at him.

"Jane, about the ring..." and he had to take a deep breath. "I'll add mine to yours in the safe. So we're on the same page."

"Okay." She replied and to her surprise there was a shade or regret in her heart.

"But as far as I am concerned, I'm still your husband." He clarified and she looked into his eyes and nodded.

"And I am your wife." She told him. He reached out to caress her face and she let him. It was a beautiful moment.

"Kurt, about New York. How do you want to do it with living arrangements?" She asked.

"Well you and Avery should keep the apartment. I'll talk to Reede and we'll figure something out so I wouldn't have to stay in the hotel. How does that sound?" He offered as he knew living in a hotel was not possible for longer periods of time. And he just couldn't come back there to live with them.

"It sounds good." And she could only hope he would call the apartment his home again.


End file.
